Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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