Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
