Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
