I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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