yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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