i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
