I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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