i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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