In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
