I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
