I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
