plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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