i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This is classic penis vs brain.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
