walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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