i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
