sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i will never coherently bang her
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
