He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
