I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
