I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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