I bet he comes in French.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
