There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
