Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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