U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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