my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
