I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
