I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
