i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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