We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
