Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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