As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize