My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Randomize