It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
