mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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