I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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