I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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