spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My vagina just recognized that song.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
