yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
