So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
