She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
