so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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