I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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