i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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