I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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