Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
