If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
