guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
