She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
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