He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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