Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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