I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
