Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
